Intimacy Isn’t Just Sex
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Intimacy is a process whereby we feel truly seen, known by, and connected to our partner.
-Jennifer Kogan
When most people think of intimacy, they automatically think of sex. They’re practically synonymous. However, intimacy is so much more.
Being intimate is defined as expressing warmth, affection, and love in personal relationships.
Early on, we learned intimacy from our parents engaging in skin-to-skin at birth, and from their warm comfort when we were sick.
From there, we developed intimate relationships with other people. By doing this, you are offering the other person (people) vulnerability and trust.
Physical intimacy isn’t just sex!
In a romantic relationship, physical intimacy can include (besides sex):
Holding hands
Cuddling
Kissing (lips, forehead, hand, etc.)
Giving backrubs/massages
Although sexual, physical intercourse is as physically close as you can get to a human being, there are other forms of intimacy to experience with your partner.
1. Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy is extremely important to share with your partner.
Emotional intimacy is the sharing of candid, authentic, genuine feelings. It involves telling one another your deepest fears, secrets, dreams, traumas, disappointments, insecurities, worries, etc.
Emotional intimacy means that each person feels safe, and comfortable expressing and being open.
Embracing this type of vulnerability can lead to emotional closeness in romantic relationships.
American Psychologist Dr. John Gottman has a theory. The Sound House Theory discusses the essential parts of any successful relationship. This theory states that the foundation of romantic relationships comes from understanding the psychological world of one another. This includes those fears, secrets, dreams, etc.
Examples of Emotional Intimacy:
A woman expresses to her man that him keeping in touch with his former girlfriends (exes) makes her uncomfortable. Her partner listens and understands her rather than gaslight her.
A man and woman have a long conversation about what they like and dislike and what they want to see from themselves and each other moving forward. They emerge from the conversation feeling better about the path of their relationship and with a better understanding of each other.
A person talks to their partner about their childhood. They reveal to their partner that they were abused as a child. They speak about how the situation made them feel and how it affects them now. The partner is attentive, active listening, and offers tons of emotional support.
2. Spiritual Intimacy
Spiritual intimacy goes much further than religion!
This concept involves sharing more profound ideas including; your morals, values, and beliefs.
When we connect with someone through spiritual intimacy, we’re sharing and hearing viewpoints. Spiritual intimacy can also be reached in relationships through poignant moments.
Acoording to Jennifer Kogan,
…..spiritual closeness is spending awe-inspiring seconds together. This could mean worshipping together or walking hand-in-hand in nature.
In a romantic relationship, spiritual intimacy can allow a connection beyond conscious and logical thought. Developing this form of intimacy has been found to be the foundation of any serious and successful relationship.
Examples of Spiritual Intimacy:
A couple discusses their beliefs and personal definitions of spirituality. The conversation leads to them having a deeper understanding of each other.
Partners go on a nature walk together. They hold hands and enjoy the sunset. They talk about the nature around them and its beauty. They marvel at life and simply find joy in being together in that moment.
Spouses read passages from their religious/spiritual text before bed. They have a consistent routine they do together every night. This brings them closer as they experience their separate journeys together.
3. Intellectual Intimacy
Intellectual intimacy is created when partners exchange thoughts, ideas, and opinions about passions, issues, or topics of interest.
When these thoughts are exchanged, it is essential for partners to remain open-minded, and respectful to achieve this type of intimacy.
Much like emotional intimacy, to accomplish intellectual intimacy, spouses or partners must allow a safe space for one another to talk about any topic without being judged or ridiculed.
It is important to understand that disagreements or differences of opinion may happen. However, it is not required to grow angry or defensive. Instead, try remaining open and active.
Examples of Intellectual Intimacy:
A couple reads and discusses a book series together. The two compare their takeaways from the novels and express their opinions instead of trying to prove whose idea about the book is correct.
Partners discuss the importance of a college education. No one attempts to outdo the other with supporting information. They enjoy the discussion and hearing the rationale of the other.
Spouses talk over which Marvel movie they believe has the best storyline. Neither feels the need to be “right.” They both decide to understand each other's point of view and move on to the next topic.
The Bottom Line
Intimacy is a closeness between one another. This closeness can be defined by way more than just sex or sexual interactions. Healthy relationships involve relating to each other on multiple levels. Engaging in openness, and honesty will help establish any form of intimacy.
