Recognizing Red Flags in Relationships
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Despite the entire social media community depicting “red flags” as nothing more than measly pet peeves and annoyances, they aren’t.
Although they seem so, red flags aren’t always obvious. A lot of times, people have no idea what to look for which makes it easier to ignore the warning signs. Other times, emotions, memories, and lust get in the way.
We’re always told to steer clear of “toxic people” or people who “give off red flag energy”. But what are red flags really? Throughout all contexts, the term “red flag” signifies a reason to stop.
According to relationship expert, Dr. Wendy Walsh,
In relationships, red flags are signs that the person probably can’t have a healthy relationship and proceeding down the road together would be emotionally dangerous.
While all situations are different and there’s always room for nuance, a red flag indicates a deep problem in the relationship that has to be addressed to have a healthy relationship.
Here are 5 red flags in a relationship that you shouldn’t ignore:
1. Breadcrumbing
Breadcrumbing is the act of leading someone on romantically.
Think of the story of Hansel and Gretel when the witch tempts the siblings onward, plotting their doom.
Basically, it means that the other person is stringing you along with no intent of a relationship actually materializing.
Many people intentionally breadcrumb in attempts to keep a hold on you or to manipulate you.
Examples of breadcrumbing:
1.) Inconsistent communication.
This is when someone doesn’t consistently talk, or text you. They might contact you a lot for a few days but then, suddenly, a week or two has gone by and you haven't heard from them.2.) No substance to their communication.
This is when conversations are fairly dry, shallow, and generic. They put no effort or energy into getting to know you truly or engaging in intellectual intimacy.3.) They booty call you.
Direct or indirect, if they are sending you late-night text only, rather than making the proper plans with you then they are after ONE thing.4.) They won’t commit.
It is okay to ask the daring question, “what are we?”, “what’s going on between us?”. While it is valid to not want or need a specific label, if “no label” is combined with the behaviors, 9 times out of 10 they don’t want to commit to you.
2. A Text-ation-ship
A textationship is when a person that texts you all the time makes no effort in seeing you.
These types of relationships can easily make anyone feel like it’s going to work out. After a while, you may want to hang out or go on a date but the other person is always “too busy” or always has an excuse.
A textationship requires little to no effort and indicates a lack of interest.
Examples of a textationship:
1.) One or both of you are ALWAYS busy.
People make time for the things they want to make time for so being “too busy” all the time is a good indication that things are not going to go far. It’s nice to have someone you can talk to and feel good talking with but never finding time for each other should be an immediate red flag.2.) The get-it-and-quit-it.
You met someone (in person, online dating app, social media, etc) who stated they wanted to “get to know you” so you gave them your number. You two hit it off at first and things seemed to be going well. Not long after getting your number, they stop replying as often. The conversation slows and soon fades. Eventually, communication ceases altogether.3.) The ex-text
You and your ex or old fling still communicate from time to time. You don’t hang out but feel the need to still check up on one another. The conversations never have a real purpose and no efforts are being made to fix or resolve anything.4.) The Catfish
On the MTV show Catfish, people believe the other person isn’t who they say they are because they’ve never met in person or even video chatted. If you are meeting someone who is a potential partner online but has never gone past texting, it’s more than likely things aren’t going to progress. (unless you go on the show, get lucky, and find your happy ever after).
3. A Situationship
A situationship is a romantic arrangement that exists before/without a DTR [‘defining the relationship’] conversation.
-Saba Harouine
In other words, this form of relationship can be defined as a romantic or sexual relationship that lacks commitment and basic expectations.
A situationship is usually “casual,” lacks consistency and stability, and can be very difficult for someone who is seeking a committed relationship.
In many situationships, someone eventually catches feelings and wants more out of the relationship while the other is content with the current situation. Other times, one is unsure of their current position in the other’s life which can lead to a lot of mixed emotions.
Examples of a situationship:
1.) You and your ex just recently ended a long-term (or short) relationship. Even though the relationship has ended, you both are still engaging in sexual intercourse and relationship-type activities. The issues you had in the relationship have not been resolved and you both are just floating in a grey area between being over and being committed.
2.) You’ve been seeing someone for a significant amount of time, but you are never sure when you will hear from them or see them again. They invest little time in establishing a serious relationship and make minimal efforts to spend time with you.
3.) Your partner does “couple-y” things with you. They take you out on dates, communicate effectively and there may even be an emotional connection. However, your partner says they are not looking for anything exclusive. Take their word for it!
4.) You met someone you are sexually attracted to. You all engage in sexual intercourse once or on numerous occasions. You both enjoy each other's company and the sex is great but that’s it. There’s no real passion or spark outside of the sex.
4. Ghosting & Haunting
Ghosting is nothing new in today's dating and hookup culture. It describes the act of suddenly and abruptly ceasing all communication during a pending or active relationship.
The ghoster ignores any and all efforts to communicate with the partner they left hanging.
After ghosting comes haunting. Haunting is the act of popping back up in someone's life. This act has become a new dating trend.
Think of a ghost movie where the ghost can actively communicate and taunt the living, while the haunted is left guessing.
Examples of Ghosting & Haunting:
1.) You’ve been talking to someone for a few months. Usually, you speak with each other every morning before work and every evening after work. Suddenly, you don’t hear from them all day. You texted and called but received no reply. A few months later, they hit you with a “good morning, how have you been” text message like nothing happened.
2.) You’ve been actively dating someone. Things are great, you’ve established a bond and you both have a good connection. One day, they cut all ties with you without reason. After not talking, they add you on Instagram and like all 100 of your pictures. They are indirectly haunting.
3.) You tell your potential partner whom you’ve been seeing for months, that you want a serious commitment. Instead of being honest, they disappear out of your life. You move on and find someone new. The old potential partner attempts to reach out to you through your friends by saying subtle things they know will get repeated back to you.
4.) Your old flame ghosted you because they felt you were too emotionally involved. Instead of directly expressing themselves to you, they go to social media and discuss the business there. For example, subtweeting or making indirect statuses on Facebook.
5. The Slow Fade
The slow fade in a relationship is like death by slow cutting. It happens over time and involves one or both persons pulling away from the relationship.
The slow fade happens when breaking up seems too difficult or to soften the blow of the pain. It’s a prolonged ending.
Both parties can either stop adding effort to the relationship and it ends on its own or one person sends off mixed signals and false emotions.
Examples of the slow fade:
1.) Your long-term partner takes longer and longer to get back to you. Of course, there’s no ‘right’ amount of time to respond to someone, but if you’re partner usually responds to you quickly but lately has changed, it may be the beginning of a slow fade.
2.) You always initiate conversation and it never goes well. If you are the one to always text or call your partner and their responses are closed and one-sided, they may be trying to slow fade you.
3.) Your partner stops making concrete plans with you. If your partner ceases taking you out or wanting to hang they may be slow fading you. Slow faders may have some interest in seeing you again, but not so much interest that they’re actually firming up plans.
4.) They start distancing themselves. When you start to notice a shift in energy from your partner, you’re probably right.
